The ticking of the clock on the wall is only really there when I choose to hear it. Although it is always in the background, it only annoys me when I allow it to. Oftentimes I just ignore it. Pushing it back behind the constant hum of the cars rolling by outside my office window. Behind the click clack of my typing.
The typing feels good on my early morning fingers and I wonder if I too will have to deal with arthritis as my mama does. aging sucks. and yet i would not go back even if i could.
The ticking of yet another clock is in my mind.
I am 41 and I am sad. I have been sad for too long. For no reason.over every reason.
My life is good. My family is wonderful. My tears still flow.
3 months since the loss. I should be fine.Postpartum doesn't happen after only 3 months of pregnancy right? who knows. time clicks on.
each non-pregnant month brings me more selective hearing on the ticking. Some days i hear it. some days i ignore it. above all else I try not to think the "where would I be now if only" thoughts.....how far along...too sad...just re-focus on some hum or click clack to distract.
The clock on the wall reminds me that my break time is over. I must get back to work. Back to "reality". To deal with the day at hand. Schedules, meetings, stuff to file away.
How ironic that both clocks remind me of the exact same thing.
tick
tick
tick
tick
tick
tick
The above was written to link up with "Just write" over at The Extraordinary Ordinary
Why don't you join us? I think it would be lovely!
See ya over at "The EO" :)
With all my heart ~
Michelle
About Me
- Michelle G
- I am a momma of 6 :) I have one grand-daughter who is 2 and a half and one who is 9 months!!...my youngest son is 6 months younger than the older one and 1 year older than the baby :) We homeschool and we are always on the go! I like to joke and say we are "addicted to chaos"! Long story short - we are parents of kiddos every age imaginable (almost) and like everyone else...We're learning as we go along! Thank the Lord...He's forgiving and LOVING - 'cause we're truly undeserving of all the wonderful gifts He's given to us!
So lovely and so sad. I had a loss of my own right in between numbers 3 and 4. Thank you for sharing these words with us.
ReplyDeleteHealing Begins started playing when I got to your blog. Normally I don't care for music on blogs but the song was just too perfect.
When your heart is hurting, the loudest moments are the silent ones. The what-ifs and i-wish-it'd-beens creep in and weigh you down.
ReplyDeletePraying for heart-healing and for the deafening sound of the tick-tocks to gently fade.
I don't think postpartum recognizes time or loss or anything. It just is.
ReplyDeleteYou will heal one day, and the ticking will just stop, but it takes time as you know. Then the silence will be full, bright. Instead of deafening, empty.
ReplyDeleteHugs.
This post breaks my heart. Please know that I read your words today, and I heard -really heard- them.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written. I am sad for your loss. It truly brings life into perspective - you know, what really matters in life and the possibility that HE has other plans.
ReplyDeletethis makes me sad and prayerful that things are ticking toward something wonderful for you.
ReplyDeleteI, too, hear the ticking.
ReplyDeleteI, too, have the questions of, "How far along would I be?"
Sadly, the ticking of my own biological clock is very loud. At nearly 50, I'm afraid I won't see another positive on the test ... I'm afraid my time is over to feel a young one within.
At 41, you are still young. I am praying and believing for you that the Lord will give you another gift in your womb.
Laurel